Another Amusing e-bay listing…..

Up for auction is a 2010 Santa Cruz Bullit Frame kit in Medium.

FRAME ONLY… NOT FULL BIKE

Bought new and built up but only used twice. and is now a very expensive clothes hanger in my bedroom, to which the wife doesn’t like… as she would prefer I used the washing basket or the wardrobe… that’s not to say I have put skid marked underwear on it or the fact I am a messy person… in fact I consider myself to be quite clean and tidy. and if you must know I don’t go through that many clothes in a week any how. and if you really must know… no, I wipe my backside clean after I go to the toilet.

back to the frame….

As you can see from the images it is green… I would say Kawasaki green. others may say its electric green. unless you stick a colour chart next to it… its just green. (no not neon, forest, pea or snot green before you ask any specifics of the exact colour as I don’t know… OK?)

Comes complete with the following…

• Fox DHX 3 shock with a 450lbs spring… so if your over weight,,, you may need a heavier spring. likewise if your a small bulimic person, but a lighter spring.

• FSA Pig 1.5 Reducer headset. this is a nice simple device… I takes a ‘BIG’ head tube, and makes it fit a ‘Smaller’ one. (for the tech head geeks. 1.5 down to a 1 1/8th)

• Hope Ceramic BB, this fits the more ‘Modern Bottom Bracket style’. you know (geeks i’m talking to here) the one that doesn’t break that often unless yo decide to ride for 24 hours non stop on mount Everest day in day out for 3 days then it will probably have a cinematic explosion when it does fail. (please note… this BB will not Explode in a blaze of glory like the building at the end of Demolition man. you know… the one with Silvester Stallone?… I like that film but I don’t think the wife does as she has to talk through the entire film, saying that that, she does it with every film I like…… hmm. why is that?)

• FSA seat post and shim…. yes I was stupid enough not to order the correct size post (that was a 27.2 by the way) so I had to wait yet another week before I could sit on the bike until I got a shim to fit it.

• SDG bel-air saddle, why in the hell do they call it a bell air anyway? don’t look like, resemble or even promotes Will Smith and the Fresh Prince of Bell air… I think SDG need to man the F**$”&g hell up and call it ‘A Saddle for a real MAN’, that’s because it is a very manly saddle, they got the BIG BOY saddle right, why not this on….. muppets

• and a seat clamp……… what?

I bought this bike thinking, ‘yeah am gonna get fit again, loose some weight (I’m not fat by the way) and ride stupid stuff that will put me in hospital again, or become famous again for being the UK’s equivalent to Josh Bender’… Non of that happened, what did happen tho was, I got all excited building this bike up (oh i’m a fully qualified bike mechanic for over 10 years now). my first test ride in the car park nearly gave me a heart attack and pain in butt cheeks. i got it home, looked at it thinking (imagine the gay couple news reporters off Famly Guy when reading this next word) ‘Sparkaling’ (and say it like that)… gay I know. (I’m not homophobic. what you choose to do with your reproductive organs is non of my business,… nor do I wish to know)… so my first ride… again 5 Min in and I was craving for a smoke, the legal kind of smoking, com’on i’m 28 and I got ID’ed for fags… sorry sigs. so it went 5 Min of riding .. followed by 20 Min of smoking and resting…. from this you can see roughly what happened on the next ride….. and so its been sat there for a solid 3 months doing nothing but collect my non skid marked clothes that I should start learning to put in the wardrobe or washing basket as pretty soon…. if I don’t… I will either get shouted at… or my clothes end up on her bike as well as get shouted at again.

OK so the bit that will probably put everyone off [or not], damage!… well lack of it really, on the left chainstay there is a chip in the paint. it mesures exactly, 1.25mm in diameter. yes i went and got a digital thing to measure it, that alone cost me [the wife] £35 from B&Q, but finding it was a nightmare. somehow i ended up in a timber yard on the wrong side of the shop and then when i tried to leave that area in a rush, a forklift truck decided to park at the doorway.. blocking me for an entire 7 minuits. and then got lost in the large amount of kitchens on display…. what ever happened to flat pack furnature and picturs showing you what was in it. this isnt IKEA. B&Q which i always asumed meant ‘British & Quick’, apperntly not. instead they intimidate us to stay untill you buy something expencive insted of a small 30 quid guage…… i hate B&Q and IKEA, next time i will go to argos.

and after writing all that.. I just realized.. the wife is out.. I may watch demolition man without interruption.

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Edit – Now because i am just that super cool, awesome, and in general a really nice kinda guy, you may notice that ive added a picture to the listing… this is obviously a picture of the Monster Energy Logo. well what i am gonna do, i will include a sticker with the frame. ‘Will it make me just as awesome as you?’ i hear you ask, and if you stick it to your upper arm [left or right, it dosn’t matter] you can tell all your friends that wolverine tried to attack you or you can say its a new tattoo. you could even pretend your Sam Hill? but you will probably end up doing what i did and slap one on the boot of your car.
Please do not ask me where i got it from, because i will tell you now. whilst in the cafe’ on the top floor in aflecs palice [a super cool shop in Manchester city centre], because i was too busy looking down my wifes low cut top, i noticed the Monster Rep walk in, so i payed my child £2 to run over, tug on his hoodie and ask for some free stickers, [how that works i dont know as it just cost me £2 so i could continue to talk to my wifes breasts] and sure enough, she came back with a handfull of them. Winner

So a free Monster Sticker for the winning buyer.

see the full post and pic’s here

The Joys of Turbo Training

This is a genuine ebay description for a CYCLOPS WIND TURBO  currently (16th May) for sale on ebay don’t you just love turbo training? Factorypilot is not responsible for the content but thinks its in good humour but if you are easily offended best look away now…..

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=221019888017#ht_657wt_932

I’m selling this bastard thing because i HATE it.  

I’m sure there are people out there who like or even have a perverse love affair with their turbo trainer. It might even attract some sort of love/hate duality. I know for a fact that some people, many of them ostensibly sane with some hideously rapid times to their name, view the turbo as the essential piece of training equipment. Personally, i’d rather rip my face off and dive into a bath of saline solution than use this horrible piece of apparatus. It’s utterly soul-destroying and mind-numbing, which is a pretty vicious combination.

The straw that broke the camel’s back:

I thought i might do a ‘quick’ turbo session this evening. The reason being that the weather is pretty terrible and i hadn’t got the time to head down to the lake for the first race of the season. By the time i’d sorted out the rear turbo wheel by putting a tyre on and then pinching an inner tube, then changing the tyre and putting a new tube in, switching the cassette and setting up the bike and then setting up the computer with ‘The Flying Scotsman’ on the iplayer with headphones and subtitles (because of fearsome noise) to alleviate the dreadful and crushing ennui of it all and then got changed and put some water within reach and found my sweaty turbo towel that hasn’t been washed since the last time i dared to ride the bastard (turbo, not turbo towel) and wrestled with the quick release mechanism and then adjusted the height with a series of books under the front wheel by getting on and off about four times then adjusting the saddle height then going back and adjusting the resistance about 6 times with the manual turny thing, i’d wasted about 55 minutes. This was about as long as i intended to spend on the bastard piece of sh*t.

I managed about 11 minutes at about 70% of max before two things happened. The iplayer began to freeze and unfreeze, robbing me of the only thing that helped me think that i wasn’t actually on the turbo, and then without warning the back wheel leapt out of the dropout clasps and i had to do an emergency unclip and braking manouevre ON THE GODDAMNED TURBO just to stay alive. i suddenly lurched towards the computer where Graeme Obree was riding off the front of some sort of Tour of the Scottish Prettylands in the early part of the film and very nearly ended up joining the crazed circular-breathing scotsman on the silver screen.

If you’re made of far stronger stuff than I am, and I’m thinking Ivan Drago in Rocky 4 when he kills Apollo Creed to death – that sort of stronger stuff – and think you can handle the savage bestiality of the CYCLOPS WIND TURBO then please, please, please buy this REPULSIVE ITEM.